At times I like to isolate myself, away from friends and family. Alone where I can neither be reached, seen or heard. These are the times where I feel the most like myself, more alive.
You know, sometimes you get those vibrant dreams, visions of a colorful future so sincere it's almost real. I think these are easier to have the younger you are. Those moments suspended in time, in the middle of all possibilities, all the realities you could live, the beings you could shape yourself into, the friends you could make, the smiles you'd have, the love you'd know, the things you'd learn, the places you'd see or reach.
I often tear up during these moments of contemplation, it is simply too beautiful. One thing I noticed is that those visions never feel lonely. There'd be all sorts of people, almost as if my emotions and hopes were given a voice. In short, I dream. The kind of dreams that may never come true, much like when you read ancient greek stories and for a moment, among all the grandiosity of what you may come to read, you remember that it is mythology. The adventures never were, but Perseus felt so real. The emotions those dreams evoke exist within me, when I must go on to live my life, there is so little of them that I'm able to take with me. The worlds I crossed, the people I met, and lives I led there are forgotten.
Then it hits me, people. In those daydreams I often imagine all sorts of people, sometimes even myself seen through the prism of others. Makes me think that this is what's all about, there's the world within me and the countless worlds within the others. Your adventures could be as grand as the King of Mycenae's if you were to tell them to me, in a moment together, under some starry sky. Haha, caught myself imagining again haven't I? It is true, to each person their realm, and to access somebody else's it is to create a powerful reciprocal link, you must be true to them, and they must be true to you. Such a thing is only possible when you know to lay your heart bare.
People, friends, family. They are too important, through other there are inconceivable things to be lived, you'll open your eyes to worlds you'd never be able to see before. Same goes for you.
This is what I try to do, and I fail too often. Every word I say in texts I end up hating. If I stay too long in a voice channel I'll start self-sabotaging my friendships. Constantly, I think that I am a bother, and because I do I try to fulfill my own prophecies. I carry my guilt everywhere I go, and for that reason I am unable to connect with others. Sometimes I feel pity for myself. It's a hard on me you know? To put so much distance between me and the others, the loneliness is getting to me these days. Especially when I have such good friends, I won't give up, but it is hard to bear seeing them with a person such as myself. Perpetually convinced that I am wasting their time, life, an increasing cost of opportunity, tangling them in a spider web because I make myself so pitiful. It would be dishonest and disrespectful to leave anyone though, I will never cede to my delusions, no matter how much shame or guilt.
One day for sure, I'll be able to lay my heart bare. I'll smile to people sincerely, not because I'm afraid they see me as a threat. I'll be cheerful, clever, kind, for my sake, not to hide myself from the others. I'll cry in the arms of others, tears of joy and sorrow. I'll see them for who they are, they'll see me for who I am, I won't be so alone.
When it gets too much, I isolate myself to remember. To get ahold of myself, it gets hard to try in that vortex of noise. Those moments suspended in time, they help me a lot. I exist. Then I try again, bringing more of myself the next time.
I'll keep dreaming, the stars are inconceivably far away, but they still bless us with their glow. Decorating the dark sky. Their presence, a promise that there is more than just the void.