I used to gaze at the stars as a reminder that there is something out there, something I could yearn to reach, something that would redeem me.
However, who am I when I am not looking? When I am not there yet? And when I'm not working to get there, to my own eyes, do I simply not exist?
That question is the crux of the misunderstanding I repeated for more than a decade.
First, an interesting comparison: When the people of Abrahamic faith talk about God, do they represent him as unreachable and distant? Not at all, the divine is said to be everywhere, in the future, in the past, across and outside all dimensions but most importantly: closest to them, right where they are.
For the believers, the all-encompassing, is simultaneously farther than that which they can perceive, and right within.
A very different conception from what I have been doing by "reaching beyond", I was never looking right where I was, I would look at where I would be were the promise to be fulfilled. Yet that was solely isolated in a future which did not take shape outside the realm of imagination.
I had to bring into existence something that had little to no bearings in reality, embody something that did not exist, and which, unlike something that takes root beneath, did not nurture me.
Only a kid, and I would tell myself all the things I had to do in order not to be a failure, in order to be liked and loved. There never was a question of where I was, everything looked pale next to the star, everything good was there and all things bad were right where I was.
I was aware that I was in a prison of my own making, and instead of seeking a way out, I squeezed my hands and feet outside the bars and began to walk, a heavy yet small cage I locked myself in but couldn't bother myself to stop and find the key, I most likely still had it somewhere, what would it mean of my quest, what would it mean if I stopped, if I couldn't carry it all on my back and walk regardless, what would it say about me?
Thus I began to stack increasingly grand and complicated philosophical justifications for why I couldn't stop. Even if carrying ever hardening steel makes you heavier, exhausted, at times putting you at a stop that you still can't accept so you move the goalpost from meters to millimeters. As long as you move, it's okay. As long as your intent is true, it's okay.
Years pass by and you stop making a distinction between yourself and what entraps you, not blinded to the lack of progress, of moving so much slower, why do are your steps so heavy with intent, purpose, philosophy? Why does everyone else seem to just walk simply, humanely... With integrity...
Some walk a wicked step, some walk virtuously, but it is their pace, their breath. Mine felt borrowed, instrumentalized, costly and unnatural.
I used to say that I don't feel like a human, and that is true, I didn't care about my needs, I cared about one thing, how to be a good, honest, truthful human. In such an endeavor, what was I truly optimizing for? When one wills itself to be like such a thing, what of the full extent of the thing they yearn for do they actually see? The parameters of the simulation of that object are biased, and the vision of the object itself is already compromised. We see it from our own perspective, and tainted with what needs we fulfill from it however diverse they can be, and so I believe that we end up desiring something else completely. One must discover the parameters to understand what they truly want and to a lesser extent, who they are. Beware that you might discover something much less noble and sincere than what you might have fooled yourself into believing, and yet you have to remain honest with yourself, the cost is otherwise too great.
Let me ask you something: Do geniuses will themselves into being one? I believe they do not. They walk their road like everyone else, and they happen to be considered as such, but the last thing they would pursue is "geniushood", they pursue their needs, curiosity, and many other things, but for their own sake. In it for the love of the game, as they say.
Whether this means being human follows the same logic or not is food for thought. If you feel unchallenged, you may add in some extra questions, like being virtuous, honest, and good.
It is a puzzling question to me, certainly some things are adjacent to each other, you can act on things even if your perspective is warped, but for me, at the scale of stars, the distance is about 5 light-years.
seen on a nightly bicycle ride
The End
This was the last "progress" post. The website will close some time around early June. If you want to backup Oasis feel free to. I want to thank you, everyone. For the emails, the attention, the respect.
"Let's all try our best" and "Don't let go" were quite pretty mottos I did not always embody correctly, I faced myself honestly and today I'm letting go.
There are stories I wish I could tell you, about what began to break the ice. It started with my heart, as with all good tales.
With how I lost some friends when I decided to look the truth in the eye, some made-up with, others forever.
Of how I gave everything to be the best lover I could be, to reshape myself, but remember, friends, you exist now. Past me wouldn't agree, but I think it's pointless to love awful people, to ignore yourself and feel miserable through all of that, life is much easier if you at least lend your other ear to yourself.
Whenever I would love someone, I'd stop caring for my needs and instead look into how I could be the absolute best lover, but what I most wanted I never got, someone that truly wanted me. It was a lost cause, not only people do not know themselves, nor do they know what they want. In the process they'll dry you of what you have until there's nothing left and leave on a whim all whilst protecting their conscience of their awful deeds, certainly to repeat the same things. There's nothing noble about such a kind of sacrifice, I don't think entertaining these simulations is actually virtuous. Something is weird with that idea you know? Being the best for someone, how about being there for someone? Why does everything need to be a plan, projected onto the future? I know I loved the people I loved, but I think I had it all wrong with the way that expressed itself. The loser boyfriends I used to look down upon now all make much more sense haha. (Of course, I have loved some good people too.)
These days I'm thinking that I just want someone of good heart with whom I could start a family. No romantic dreams or whatever, though it sure would be nice but I think those are not things you plan for, you just have to carry on living fully, and truly. If the big romantic idea of love doesn't happen it's not a big deal, I don't really care and quite frankly I've never seen it happen, might all just be lies people tell themselves cause it really requires some folly and superhuman character to be truly in love.
Hey, you know, I've also spent most of my life holed up (though within the periods where I'm not, you'd be surprised! I'm quite sociable and courageous, except around people I fall in love with...) in my room. An existence through a computer screen is a little like Plato's cave, the dissociation, all that good jazz, it's about time, I want to get a taste for real life.
Ahh.. Have I said everything that's on my heart yet? You know, I'll miss you guys. I'll probably miss that big light too.
I've truly blinded myself to everything in order to be that kind of shining star. You can read my past blogposts and see all the suffering, the empty words, the various tools with which I would beat myself up. I tried, to the point where I would actually injure myself, and for what? Like seriously guys, that's crazy. You have to see reality for what it is, then you can move however and wherever you'd like, honestly I'm lucky I didn't fall off a cliff.
My father said he was proud of me recently, of the person I became. I only realized now, I'm lucky to have my parents still alive, to have had people who for all their faults genuinely cared about me. Aren't we all human? Don't we all make mistakes? Why did I write them off for so long? I'm a really lucky guy. Goddamn am I lucky.
Anyhow, I'm the happiest I've ever been since I bought my first video game in a flea market after having bargained 1 euro off and reading the manual in the car, it was W40k Dawn of War and sometimes when I would run as a kid and if nobody was around I would scream WAAAAGH!
I think I had reached a point where I depleted myself until I could no longer feel any wonder. What is life without it?
I've been working on Mathematics, I restarted everything from Kindergarten with the help of Math Academy, what a joy my friends, what a joy. I've been having a blast, I'm like getting close to 10th grade level. Soon will probably be picking up a few physics books, maybe subscribe to PhysicsGraph. I also wanna write my first proof soon, I'm excited.
I'm like watching one or two movies a week, great fun.
What am I gonna do next? Well... I'm moving out to somewhere with more activity. I just want to be present, I'm looking for a little job with a bit of responsibility, just minimum wage. You know back then, I would regard holding those jobs as a complete failure, as if it defined me. Everything was about identity haha, how foolish.
Then I'd spend the rest my time, doing math, some physics, reading lots of books and implementing Flash Attention from scratch, yeah, that's a good life. My first salary will probably be spent on a DGX Spark or building a big library, lol.
It has nice parts and worse parts, lots of sitting around, biking, math, seeing friends, no clear goals, and that's alright.
There is a balance to be struck eventually, to move in the direction you want, of course there's things I want to achieve, however I believe it must come from an honest and noble place, that is to say it must be something I truly want. Yk, I just feel like recovering for now.
So many things you can suddenly act on when you're not so starry-eyed. Time to forget the past and live the present, my friends.
I don't think I fully expressed the core of my message with this long post, something within me rumbles still, but maybe it is to be completed by your own thoughts.
One bright Monday morning, the world ended fleeting too easily~
No longer a discrete being, to hell new beginnings, I'm continuous now!
Thanks for reading me. Take care.