The year is ending, this was the biggest in my life so far.

I began the year gaining a fascination for graphics and visuals. I had started teaching myself Blender, a 3D creation software. I gained something important at the beginning of that year, the ability to simply create, without unnecessary after-thoughts or worrying about whether it is good enough or not.

Below is art I created during that period, it was my most liked 

at the time and its reception gave me a lot of confidence. I was really proud that something I made messing around with the software until I felt like I made something cool was well liked. Someone even put it up as their wallpaper!

It was around that time, that a friend of mine told me about their upcoming DJ set at 

, a very cool online venue and community for DJs, 90s enthusiasts, music lovers, ravers.. It’s a unique and diverse place and I am seriously impressed and inspired by the place they’ve managed to create.

So, my friend was going to play there but was telling me how overwhelming their life was and that making both visuals and the mix was going to be complicated but they’d pull through. I offered to help with the visuals, to be honest just out of sympathy and didn’t expect my offer to be taken upon.. But it was! And so we started working on the set right away.. which I wish we would have done! They were busy and I was exceedingly lazy so the both of us starting working around 3~ days before the broadcast date.

I wish I could express how much of a ride making those visuals was. I went in not knowing how to make visuals for DJ sets, wanting to respect the opportunity I was given and truly do my best. I couldn’t sleep out of thrill and excitment, even when wanting to do naps, after 10 minutes I would be woken up by dreams of me working of the visuals. I had no idea if what I was doing was good or bad but kept going, until I showed my friend what I had done and they went crazy about it!

Then as our work was broadcasted, the positive comments of viewers made me tremble out of pride and happiness. What a week and a great way to start the year that was.

24~ hrs before the broadcast, that gap seemed infinite..

After that event, I made the acquantance of a spectator that really liked my visuals. We became very good friends and would significantly and positively impact my life later on.

This was such an important moment for me, I thank all of the people who made that possible. And myself for planting those seeds, that I now look at as flowers that make this garden I call life more beautiful.

With that success behind me, I was emboldened to take action and improve my life. I wanted to live alone and earn a living for myself.

I started teaching myself Web Development, at first using 

, which taught me a bunch of things but I unfortunately didn’t find it in me to stick through. With basic knowledge I set out to learn React and that as well didn’t stick through..

I spent my time not doing much after that, by that I mean nothing or the occassional Stellaris playthough. Time passed and it was suddenly summer, my disatisfaction with life was growing more and more but as per usual I wasn’t doing anything to remedy that, I just layed around in bed looking at the roof.

That changed when I had a fateful talk with a friend one night, it was the one I met through Millenium Strike. I had actually written a reference to them in a now deleted entry.

Whenever I talked to people, I always had to summon some sort of avatar I’d talk through. But for that person which voiced so many sincere thoughts, I really didn’t want to, I wanted to be myself. It was incredibly hard to simply talk with someone without thinking about a billion parameters that would make me appear likable to their eyes, just as it was hard to genuinely believe them when they complimented me or my work.

Doing that effort paid off though, because I was able to genuinely listen to someone and express myself to them. Which led to a discussion about me having to move out, doing everything in my power to reach that goal and so on.

I did not sleep that night, took a train ticket for the earliest avaliablity to a city farther than where I lived as to not get influenced to stay and started looking for some jobs.

This is the part where you have to realize I have some really, really good friends. Not only because of that discussion, or even the unmentioned friend before that who told me about that idea in the first place. But also because I announced to my friends that I would be looking for a summer job and within hours someone stepped up to find a job for me and also host me for the entire summer. Absolutely crazy.

So that happened, I worked as a cook, it was pretty hard but I learned a lot and it was an experience I definitely needed. I also tried to study some web dev at the same time. It was at that time I made 

. I saved the money I gained and eventually found an apartment. I am currently living on my own, using the savings I gained during those 3 months of adventure.

These past few months have been rough, I haven’t been doing so well at finiding a job in web development and my motivation has been plumetting, I discovered that in truth I lack too much in ego, that I don’t have things I’m truly passionate about or things that would make me really upset (yet).

Despite the years I’ve spent in a hard place mentally, I don’t really have much wisdom to share. The dark makes everything seem meaningless, every stone is the same, every garden just waiting to wither.

But even if there’s suddenly no hope to hold onto, that the rug is taken away from under your feet. Don’t give up on yourself, the light will come back eventually.

You’re fine. Give yourself some time, you’re having a harsh winter, you’ll live to see spring again.

Of all the things I said above, at any time, I could have given up and that beauty would have never existed. The road is long and no shortage of seeds to plant along the way, I won’t give up and I’ll live to see the garden grow!

I have some wishes for 2023 and the future..

I would like to become my own person and know myself well, be strong and someone who acts despite everything, a person that takes pride and finds meaning in what they do. I’d also like to create things that makes people feel all sorts of things and hopefully enriches their life somewhat!

In any case, this was my year of 2022. A year under the light of renewal and growth.

Don’t hesitate to share yours in the comments, on the 

Thanks for reading, let’s reach for our stars!

2022 Retrospective

After how writing a bit about how much of a meaningful year 2022 has been for me.

I realized I got better, I’m capable of much I wasn’t able to do before.

Hope, courage, effort, dreams, these are things I won’t take for granted anymore.

In 2023, I will protect those things, I’ll become better than whatever version of myself I ever dreamt of being. There are a number of things I must get done to keep this feeling alive, to not fall into slumber again.

A while ago, I applied to a program called 

 where you have to build something of your choice and are encouraged by the community of people sharing the same goal. There’s already 1/3rd of us left after two weeks. I did not give up, however I didn’t do much either, I will catch up and then some in those next two days.

Each week you are given an assignment, for this Tuesday you must have launched whatever you’ve been working on. I’ve have been building a diary website where each week, you get the opportunity to write your thoughts to a virtual avatar that replies to you with insight and important ideas into what you've written.

I’ve worked very little on the app, ranging from interface to security, there’s lots to be done. And the initial release will be ready two days from now, expect the announcement on Tuesday.

I’m starting to run low on funds, I have slacked enough by applying to jobs and calling recruiters pretending it is doing any good.

The “contacting recruiters” approach has a few drawbacks:

I want to do good work and learn, I won’t be wasting my time with this anymore.

I will be self-employed by the end of the month, making cool websites for whoever will require my services.

Eventually, I will be in a better place. I can’t wait to see where my hard work will take me, and I can’t wait to be grateful for working hard.

I have spent the better part of my life playing and theorizing about video-games, this year I will have my shot at making one.

This is the culmination of everything I felt, every wish, every tears, every smile, I will make it further than I ever did.

It’s easy to hype yourself up, so I’ll show you how bright stars can get.

2023--GO!GO!GO!-->

My life has been steadily declining, I eat ice cubes for dinner, there are about 40 post-its in my home to remind me of who I am and what I seek, I scrape knives against my skin to attest to myself that I exist. I cry myself to sleep every night I’m not completely emotionless, I feel regret, grief, and I’m hurt. I feel like I’m begging myself to care about it all, to strive to fix things, to get myself going and do something but it feels like having to move a mountain. I feel tired, like I soon won’t be able to take it anymore, but that’s a good thing. I’ve been existing like this for too long. 

So I look back upon my life, wonder where it all went wrong. I gaze at twelve years of failure. All stemming from one single mistake, repeated over and over - too many times, I failed to ask for help.

As a child, I suffered a lot and yet I rarely asked for help. I was tortured, injured, insulted and abused. Classmates, professors, parents. I had nowhere to feel safe, yet I failed time and time again to ask for help. Once I had the occasion to speak to a visiting psychologist at my middle school and I took it. After I spoke and she dried her tears and I dried mine, she asked me to confide in my parents about who’m I obviously did not tell her about and gave no other advice. I left thinking my decision was a mistake and that I’m completely alone in this.

From there grew the idea that people would feel bad and helpless if I asked for help, so I should not do it, I thought. Then I grew up, saw my life in shambles, went to psychologists, psychiatrists, and after praises of my understanding of the situation, a cocktail of meds, still nothing had changed. Why would it change? I see my therapist cry as I stand there under a thousand layers of armor, this time only one person had to dry their tears, and I was not truly asking for help.

So I thought that there’s no use and I had to be my own savior. Who was there to ask? My friends who I so painstakingly managed to get? Why would I want to burden them, as they thrive or are doing their best in their own lives, with the misfortune of having a clinically ill friend telling them about their ugly misery despite the fact that they could most likely do nothing about it? I didn’t and still don’t want to inflict this on someone. 

After all, I had succeeded in helping myself in certain areas and it is my greatest victory - I couldn’t speak to people and I was terrified of them. Still I didn’t give up, I kept trying to talk to people, breaking down hidden from the others every time I did. It paid off, I can confortably speak to friends & strangers and be myself. You can help yourself but you don’t have to be by yourself, why decide to go through all of this alone? Why never ask for help?

Listen, who cares? Haven’t you suffered enough? Ask for help. If your friends can’t help then so be it, but find out by asking their assistance not otherwise. If seeing psychiatrists and psychologists results in nothing, try again with other ones. Heck, if you’re struggling with math or studies, or you’d like to catch up, ask a professor, shoot an email, a classmate, 

for help!! It’s alright to put yourself first, you’re not asking anything outrageous. The catastrophic loss you inflict on yourself by not asking for help far outweights any inconvenience you could cause, and most of the time I reckon people would be happy to help and witness your road to growth.

Get all the help you can, save yourself. If you try so hard to be invisible instead, nobody will ever find you.

Many people have helped me, the friend who always calls me to tell me his stories and invites me over, the friends who helped me learn web development and better my life, the friend with who’m we share the way we feel, the friend who always has great advice and confronts me to reality, the friends who never forget about me and keep me in their minds despite my isolation and so many others. I’ve stood to gain so much from their actions, and I hope to one day return the favour. 

I personally will not shy away from asking anymore. Times may be a little hard but I’m going to do something about it, always.

 to game development has failed in 4 days no less, I haven’t given up on it, though. I may have lost the battle, but not the war! 

A few months passed, I found a job in Web Development which I left a month after I was hired, mainly because I felt like I was building up to nothing and didn’t want to do this in my life. I did a great job honestly and left the place better than when I entered it. 

Now, I would like to go into Motion Graphics & Video in general, I want to make my  work the monument of hope and perseverance. I want to show to everyone that there’s a way forward, I want to touch people’s hearts and express myself to the fullest. 

I seriously need some work ethic and do more action, I am working on this.

After confiding in you with this post, I’d like to show you something beautiful, so please stay tuned.

Also, if any of what I said has resonated with you or feel like talking, shoot me an email - star@progress.sh

Ask for help

Given even the universe will probably end someday.

If I work towards the goal of changing, perhaps whatever I am now will change or end.

There's really no point thinking I'll be stuck like this for my entire life. Why should I trust my intelligence about this? I haven't gone anywhere thinking like this.

When your very own way to interface with the world is compromised. Everything has a pre-conceived answer, you haven't sought for it, it's just there. Without you noticing, every meaning behind the actions of people is warped.

If people are kind to you, they're either overestimating you or seeking to take advantage of you.

If people talk to you, they're taking pity of you. They wouldn't talk to you out of their own volition they're just forced to otherwise they'd feel bad about it.

These are just the rambling of a twisted, tormented mind. I know for the most part it isn't the case but I just feel it. My body reacts to it, I start to sweat, shiver, and at night I'm contemplating how high the view from my window is.

Life used to be a sine wave, the high moments paid for the low moments of my life, that didn't last long.

Strangely and unfairly for the people who live the same way as I do. I am not stuck in a perpetual typhoon of helplessness and hopelessness. I want a way out, a lot of the others don't, for them the way out is not even a concept.

This is the only special thing I have - the desire to get out of this mess and the realization that I am in such a predicament. 

How would I change a life I don't even have the will to live ?

Long term goals don't work, there's little incentive to project yourself that long when you know that your very own state of mind, thoughts, desires, are so short-lived.

I can only focus on short-term goals, thing that I can keep in my mind by the sole virtue that I've been doing them yesterday.

For what I'm actually going to do, there's something you need to know about me, I hate promises. I never hold them and never can.

This is just the adventure of a little man, in a big world and a bigger self.

Change

This week, I’ve learned a lot about the kind of future I want to work towards and how to think about programs.

I’ve had a tough time studying at the beginning but I’m in this to transcend myself, each day being better than the last. I’ve had problems and I fixed them. I’ll have more problems and I will fix them.

Soon I’ll be renting my own place, this is a reality my old self could never fathom. There’s so much in store for the future and I’ll work hard to see mine come into form with everything I’ve got.

One day is not a day that exists, what you don’t do now you won’t do. Be more intense in your life, there’s only one of you out there in the world.

Don’t forget, never let go of yourself.

Spreadsheet to track progress, identify & solve problems. Though I haven’t tried meditation yet… 

I’ve started running this week, the feeling of pushing and discovering your limits when on a run is unmatched. I’m generally pretty happy after a run. So now everyday when I’m feeling a bit stuck or in a foggy mood I go put on shoes.

For now I still struggle to keep myself studying more than 2 hours a day, but I haven’t missed a day. I might stream my studying in front of you all. Surely that’ll help staying focused!

I’m about 10 hours my CS book and there’s so many concepts introduced in it that I am already familiar with. I’d even say that it taught me no programming concepts. That said it did teach me a valuable thinking frameworks but we will get to that later.

. I was working a job at the same time and while flipping burgers did teach me some, it did not in the way of flipping 0s and 1s. But I did manage to make my 

While I was self-teaching myself Web Development I taught myself no theocraticals. I just kept on building things. First a simple to-do list, then putting the todo items into a database, each step forward was clear and the way of getting there was simply to try hard enough. After getting the basics down I decided to build my website, which I finished in a little more than a month.

I’m only now realizing how much I learned from this! I can build full-fledged apps without knowledge of mathematics, theory or computer science. I’m actually already a developer!

However, the thing is I’m displeased with the way I go about making programs. I just bash my head long and hard enough until I make what I set out to make. That’s because while I’m building, I don’t really know why or how.

I’m getting better everyday at asking myself questions, thinking thoroughly and accounting for every step towards the solution thanks to Computer Science.

>>Construct yourself>>

I've gained enough information to roughly see the direction where each path leads now. On an afterthought I had decided that I was going to go with The Odin Project, it is aimed at getting you ready for a web devlopement job very fast. I thought I could use it to 

 my discipline and patience since It's all very hands-on and does well to enable problem-solving skills and autonomy.

It all sounds like an excuse to me, I envisionned learning math and computer science because the seems horizon boundless. The effort required to breakthrough the initial hurdles of navigating fierce uncharted lands is great, and I would at least need some kind of motive or purpose to go such lengths.. Well, the problem is I don't even know why I want to learn that I'm a bit at a loss of meaning there, however if you'd ask me if I want to learn it a hundred times, I'd say yes as many times.

, truth is I don't even know what I want to learn, people go on ambitious voyages for treasure or the promise of an eden. It seems the way I am going about it is like honoring someone's will, the ghosts of the past linger calling to your duty. They don't help you nor give you energy to act, but during this apathetic phase it's the only thing I see myself doing. Those are tough questions and each time I seek to answer them my mind goes blank. Sometimes I want to be somebody, do something, confirm my own existence somehow and the rest of the time it's pure nothingness, invalidating everything that came before. So I have decided.

From now until the time where I'll be required to work (which should be starting 2023) I'm betting on computer science and math. Not for any other reason than to invite serendipity, the unplanned and unknown discoveries, so to hell with those questions.

Whatever may happen in the next 2 years, I'll have tried.

In more practical terms, I'll be using some academic course I've found for starters, alongside other ressources to acquire the pre-requisite I need as I go and try to explain what I learn as I go to correct or confirm my trajectory. I will also record myself a day a week to see where I'm losing time or doing the wrong things, long ago when I used to play games intensively having that data helped a lot. Keeping a flexible and open-mind is seriously important too, no matter what I think, if it doesn't help the journey I don't think it should stay.. but that part I haven't clearly figured out yet.

Unprepared, I am going as far into the vast expanse as I can, beyond, is everything to find.

Crossroads of Fates

Your shadow, noticeable in the light and invisible in the dark. It's always around, like a good friend.

I don't like to be fatalist. I don't believe I'll stay the way I am for my whole life. But I am forced to note that I've been this way for twelve years or so the majority of my life. I've come a long way regarding this but the baseline certainly hasn't changed, only the way I see it has.

It's there in sunny days, growing enough to block away the light. When there is no light you're back to square one, the only place you've ever known, the only home you've ever had.

I suppose I should treat it as a friend, someone I want to be on good terms with. It doesn't show any intent of leaving. It's always there.

I'm not doing any better, I'm just striving to do anything with the cards I'm dealt. While I'm writing this I know there's no incentive behind doing anything for me. But here I am writing about what I experience.

I've been doing the most when I've brought myself to my knees. Imploring myself to make it end. But so far I'm still here so I suppose there is nothing bad about running to learn how to walk. That's just how babies do right? I can always run head first into the world and see how many times I'll have to fall to be able to live with my good old friend.

Depression is a second shadow.

I’ve always been very ambitious, imagining myself making CG feature films all by myself or being able to reason as computers do.

However, when I asked myself: “Why?”. I couldn’t answer, those were dreams for the ego but was it something I was truly interested in?

To answer this question, I decided I’d give a fair shot to each discipline and stop when I feel a spark. Meaning I’d feel like it’s fun most of the time, that I enjoy doing it and stimulates my curiosity.

I’m starting with Computer Science, since I’ve been enthralled with the subject since I’m a kid but never really dug deep into it.

I’ve actually made a bit of code to make my 

. It mostly felt like bashing my head at my screen trying to seize concepts. Making and remaking things over and over until I get to the desire result.

It’s a good way of doing things but what ticks me off is that I never planned any of it. It was a thoughtless foray into the dark. I prefer to think and advance step-by-step towards the answer..

That is why we’ll do Computer Science for now instead of Web Development. The resource I will be using is 

 or “DCIC”. From what I’ve seen so far the book really pushes you to think and ask yourself questions.

One of the author also teaches a very esteemed class at Brown University, of which the assignments are 

. Doing them might be a good way to test my progress.

Now I must remind myself that I’m doing this to discover if I truly like the path. It will be important to stay honest and recognize when I don’t like it and move on to the next step. Even if I tied my identity to a given field of study or that I find it very respectable and glamorous.

If it ends up being something I don’t admire much, I’ll have to be in peace with that too.

I’m going to give my all and record my progress and hardships, and will share it with you each week !

Different Paths Same Journey

There was a feeling that was the center point of my life back in my childhood. It was a feeling of adventure mixed with a mystical component to it. I thought there was a world out there, I had to discover it and flee from this pale life of mine.

, a manga about an elf mage who defeated the Demon King's party with her party. By virtue of her being an elf and living longer than most people, she sees her companions passing away one-by-one. In this manga she travels the world and meets many humans for whom 5 years is a sizable part of their lives, but for her it is a mere blink for an eye. She knew and lived in many eras which humans would never experience.

At some point, I was transported into that childhood feeling. It is very strong, it has a distinct texture and smell, it feels like a being trapped in my body whose existence I forgot for years. It feels like falling in love for the first time but also an irredeemable loss - these are worlds I shall never experience. I can only long for them.

As a child I was introduced to computer early, and immediately what I sought for was the fantasy of hidden hacker groups full with camaraderie and friendship. Another world, sustained by the individuals that believe in it, I thought that if I didn't find such group, I'd make my own. And I haven't.

In my teen years I used music to escape, I'd stay on my bed close my eyes and live through all those worlds within the confines of my mind. However, I had already lost, I was already alone, waiting to accept that those fantasies will never be real, that they are in fact, fantasies.

I realized I've been feeling empty for the majority of my life, death or life both had no value, there is no incentives for me to live a fruitful life, nothing interests me and I've been forcing myself, dragging this lifeless body through walls to learn things all in the name of a weird hope I never understood.

Now, after catching a glimpse of this long lost friend of mine, this immutable calling, I'm feeling as-if, perhaps, I could find this world within myself.

Escape

It has been a little over a month since I moved on my own.

If you’re familiar with my reading or a long-time friend, one thing you might notice is how often I get these sorts of intense highs where I feel like I finally fixed myself or figured out something terribly important that changes everything. And a few days later everything comes crashing down into a sea of indifference to everything I thought I finally got..

I also feel like this is not my first time writing this exact paragraph.

Those periods of meaninglessness are especially awful, because my ambition doesn’t disappear. It stays there reminding me that it’s out there. And unlike the first humans who might have seen the stars as gods or as a sort of grounding, when you fall from them again and again they aren’t so reassuring.

They call you to get back there, it’s the place where you should be, are you doing anything to get there?

Ensues a cycle of hyping yourself up, trying to reach for every straw that might give you the slightest bit of meaning, it’s a weird place to be in because it’s somewhere full of half-beliefs. You’re not even sure you hold those conviction, and it seems to be enough to say that you do.

Am I a liar? I really believed in those things I said, though. I don’t need to know if that’s true.

Listening to yourself only yields a complete void. You look back to everything you thought you stood for, the things you said, and it all means nothing. Paying attention to the cruel games of the mind only leads to despair, so you ignore it and try to move on.

You hold on to that rope, or you wait it out, one way wastes less time than the other.

Eventually a new high comes, and the cycle begins anew. It still gets you somewhere over time, it’s no way to live but steps are made.

This is a problem in itself, but when paired with another of my troubles it starts to become a bit dangerous.

Maybe it’s the way I was brought up, my childhood or my brain recognizing discontent on people’s faces where it shouldn’t. But something led me to become a chameleon over time and it’s an awful thing.

On top of the inadequacy I mentioned in an earlier post, I have this thing of being extremely unconfrontational. I will only say things if I know they’ll go the same way as your opinions, or if they paint me in a good light from your perspective.

So far that sounds like a cool skill and makes me look very reserved and sophisticated but it has an extremely high cost: My sense of self.

You see, the more I do this, the more I can only think 

others. These days I’ve been noticing it a great deal (which I think means I’m getting better!).

I can’t have my own opinions without making a mental image of someone I know forming one. It feels like I’m blind until I put on my special glasses.

This means that when I ponder my life. I will obviously be gazing at a bottomless pit and start making stuff up, that’s all I’ve ever done. Everything I form is about or through others, there was never any space for me!

I heard yogis have great tips for that, I’ll start actively try to put down the glasses.

Realizing our problems doesn’t take away from our ability to solve them, don’t fall into despair!

It’ s going smoothly, I contacted a bunch of recruiters and will keep going until the sheer volume of messages and calls works for me.

I’ve also started a new project, unsure how I’ll call that, but I would like to build it for a few months. Mostly because I’ve never undertook projects that spanned that much time.

On the good news side though, I put in a great deal of effort into this 

I worked tirelessly on this for some reason and I’m very glad I was able to put in the efforts to make this.

And yesterday I taught myself some OpenGL, the stuff that allows a computer to display games on the screen for instance. That was super fun and I managed to produce a full-fledged triangle!

Uh and about the youtube videos, don’t worry it’s coming.

Hang in there

Progress was born out of a wish I have been pursuing for a decade, I wanted to have things to call my own, I wanted to free myself from the many shackles that came to surround me over the years, I wanted meaning, I wanted something real.

Today, I am succeeding at granting myself those wishes. My fiercest enemies are being vanquished. What used to make me shudder at the sight of people and friends is now tamed. Better, I look forward to life, I can utter the words “I am happy” sincerely, I even catch myself thinking about love sometimes.

I learned to simply be. I smile at people on the street, I sometimes strike conversations in waiting lines, I’ve even begun to like who I am! So much of the unnecessary things I used to get frightened about I can now reason with and ease. I feel so much freer.

However, no matter how much work and luck led me to where I am, I feel like it's best to not take what I got for granted. I am merely sustaining my current self, the moment my grasp falters it can all easily vanish, as it has in the past. There is nothing I “figured out”, nothing that grounds me to the person I became now, I simply kept going, and if I stop I'll be washed away by the waves.

What I owe to myself is to persevere and build upon everything I have. So that despite all the darkness around, the star may stay bright and shining, too far away and too deep for its glow to be stolen. In hopes for all that is mine to never be taken away from me ever again.

By getting here, I won a battle among many others to come, and the defeated foe will always come better, smarter and prepared. I triumph this time, but I'll have to win all the next times too, else I will relapse into my delusional, weak-willed, blind, helpless, and despairing ways.

The threat looms each time I treat myself worse than I would a friend, each time I turn a blind eye on myself, each time I refuse to advance, at every misstep. All of those things, gradually, pull on the chain that leads you back to the pit. The same goes for feeling excessively elated with all the new achievements, many times have I told about having figured myself out and being free for good, that I finally found my way and that this time, it was the truth, only to give up and say the same thing in two weeks? Truth is, you can't eat your cake and have it too.

You've only won a single battle, remember?

Despite all of this, even if one might never really be cured from this, we're not doomed. This is all ours, the meaning is all there, we must keep going. I will, for the sake of what it took to even get here, for all that is waiting to be lived, and to not lose myself. And one day I will look back upon every effort, everywhere it could have ended, how far the light has travelled and the beauty of it all.

 both the bliss and the trials of life, love ourselves and others, find meaningful pursuits in life and a great many things we hear about the delights of living.

And should the time come when our grasp happens to loosen, no matter how many days, months, years spent in the mud, no matter how many mistakes, no matter how much we hate ourselves and wish for ourselves to not exist. Please, don't let go and don't forget.

Your struggle might not end, however, it will always be entirely yours.

Hold yourself, lest it be taken

I moved out of home recently. Registered an internet contract then an electricity contract and finally a water contract. In that order.

It’s a nice place, compared to other places in its price point it would be one of those renaissance castles. I worked to get here and I got here. Freed from many things, but it only put further into perspective what I am still restrained by.

I think there’s a lot one could be grateful for, waking up and getting to live another day, that fuzzy feeling I get when it’s cold and I get into bed, the people who participated in my life. What I got that others did not etc.

Yet, when I got here, in my own place, I didn’t feel much. Nor underwhelmed nor glad.

These past few months I’ve been more cheerful, discovering more, accepting more, feeling more. Even if it was a lot of pretending, doing these things still get you somewhere!

Your thoughts and actions drive you to some place whether you like it or not, so naturally if you think good things, good things are more likely to happen.

It just wouldn’t make sense for someone looking to heal to think they’d be hurt their whole life!

So why wasn’t I glad or proud or something positive? After all I did to get here, can’t my brain reward me a little?!

I felt pretty hopeless, as if it was no use what I would do. There would always be this thing lacking.

Even though the moments when I feel the most are when I’m seeking to reach beyond, to transcend what I am and to let go of those griefs.

It’s like this race has no checkpoints and no end. How could there be a reward?

I’m so hyper-fixated on erroneous visualizations of success, of where I’m supposed to get, everything might be deemed to fail at this point.

It’s a tough pill to swallow, it doesn’t mean to forego your dreams, but it means you’re not there yet.

Why accept only the hardworking, relentless me? But not the one who tries to forget about life for a while and reads manga for 4 hours straight. Nor the one who wastes days away on youtube or goes away to eat food the second work has to be done. Not even the one who is curious yet doesn’t feel much about anything.

I am as I am, this is a fact that is proved everyday by what I do, what I think and how I feel. This is not something to reject for the pursuit of an ideal and idealized self.

What is so precious, so vast that I should give up myself over? For some it might be God, or the vastness of the sky or even the realization that we aren’t much compared to the grandeur of the universe. Many things, but certainly not a misunderstood ego.

I’m not pretending going full-on solving complicated computer science courses will magically change everything anymore. I’ll still work on it (albeit a bit less) because I’m interested but it’s not my gateway to an abstract and unreachable life goal.

I’m just gonna find a front-end developer job, and figure out where I am from there. Because it’s something I should only care about once I’m there, for now I’ll just make that happen. I’ll pour my being into that and see what happens.

You know what, writing this, I’m feeling pretty grateful right now.

Acceptance of these things is not giving up, on the contrary that’s where it starts.

If you made it to the end, thank you for reading me.

You are infinite, you can go as far as you’d like.

PROGRESS

Don't let go

information